we are not perfect and neither is our world.
life has had so many ups and downs the last few months for me. there have been so many emotions, so many attempts to communicate how i’m feeling, so many fears and frustrations of people not believing or listening to me, that i withdrew. the stress from school overpowered any sense of commitment to community that i withdrew and tried to deal with it alone, which actually meant shoving it to the back of my mind and i exploded a few times.
yesterday and today were rough also. yesterday HSBC put on the cocktail event where all our sculptures were showcased. i’ll put pictures up soon. it was incredible. to see the product of my blood and sweat and tears and sickness and fatigue in tangible form right in front of me, to see people reading the vision behind it, to see them interacting with it as it challenged their concept of art as something that shouldn’t be touched, was completely worth it. i was so excited and in shock that i actually tripped a couple of times and fell once.
this morning i woke up to the news that my mama and sister are going to try to visit this year, and whereas i’m excited i am not getting my hopes up, that way i can be prepared. (is that me being mentally defensive and not letting myself enjoy the speculation?!). I had a quiet morning then lunch with my roommate. it was raining but a nice temperature.
then i got back up to the house and it started. i had a voice message from one of my close friends back home about grief in her life. i went to school and had a 2/3 hour conversation with another very close friend about heartbreak and uncertainty. another friend wasn’t doing well so couldn’t join me to buy supper down the road at a cheap indian place. another friend came to join me as i ate in the park, hidden by a shadow, lost in reflections and wonderings of the previous conversations, but the mood still seemed off and sensitive to me. another sister-friend called me crying tonight after i got home about the horrors and furies of bullying.
my heart cannot handle any more tears, and i am so confused as to why suddenly i am doing fine and things around me are falling apart.
am i meant to be strong? is this timing not a coincidence?
but it’s like i told my friend who called me tonight, emotions and heartbreak are part of the package of being human, and i believe God wants us to vent to him about it, dirt and all. i think when there is intensity and frustrating questions and feelings that send us into emotional convulsions, he doesn’t want some sort of nice proper prayer. he wants the messy.
i think God is going to get a messy prayer from some people tonight. if y’all could keep all these things in your own, i would appreciate it so much on behalf of all my wonderful friends here.